Joke of the Day

Discussion in 'Humour and Debate' started by gracie, Feb 28, 2007.

  1. Vik

    Vik New Member

    Delia's Way
    Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice-cream drips.
    The Real Woman's Way
    Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for God's sake.. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

    Delia's Way
    To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
    The Real Woman's Way
    Buy Smash and keep it in the cupboard for up to a year.

    Delia's Way
    When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
    The Real Woman's Way
    Tescos' sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.

    Delia's Way
    If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a potato slice.
    The Real Woman's Way
    If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's tough [*CENSORED*]. Please recite with me the Real Woman's motto: 'I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.'

    Delia's Way
    Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks
    The Real Woman's Way
    It could keep forever. Who eats it?

    Delia's Way
    Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
    The Real Woman's Way
    Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 8 ounces of vodka. Drink the vodka. You might still have the headache, but you wont give a sh*t?

    Delia's Way
    If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
    The Real Woman's Way
    Why do I have a man?

    Finally the most important tip
    I LIKE THIS ONE BEST.

    Delia's Way
    Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles
    The Real Woman's Way
    left over wine???? Helllloooo
     
    2 people like this.
  2. Deadlock

    Deadlock Pacmonster

    Be careful out there.

    Apparently terrorists have planted booby trap bombs in tins of Alphabetti Spagetti.

    If they go off, it could spell disaster ....

    :biggrin:
     
  3. db1986

    db1986 Super Moderator

    My 6 year old nephew told me this one.

    What did one log say to another log?

    Nothing. They're logs.
     
  4. Deadlock

    Deadlock Pacmonster

    How many sex therapists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    Two. One to screw it in, and one to tell him he's screwing it the wrong way.
     
  5. Capt_Sparrow

    Capt_Sparrow Active Member

    Why did Karl Marx drink herbal tea?

    Because proper tea's evil!
     
  6. Saffron

    Saffron Forum Spice

    This is not actually a joke, but I found it in one of my programming text books at Uni - in the Glossary:

    Infinite Loop - see Loop, Infinite
    Loop, Infinite - see Infinite Loop
     
    1 person likes this.
  7. Jmac

    Jmac New Member

    So there were two muffins in an oven,
    and one says to the other 'man its getting hot in here'
    and the other one replies 'AAAH A TALKING MUFFIN!!!'
     
  8. Saffron

    Saffron Forum Spice

    At a U2 concert, Bono asked the audience for complete silence. When it was so quiet you could hear a pin drop, he starts clapping his hands, one clap about every 3 seconds. No other sound can be heard. Then he says into the microphone:
    "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies of hunger."
    A voice is heard from the audience:
    "WELL - ♥♥♥♥ING STOP IT THEN, YA CRUEL BASTARD"
     
  9. Butterfinger

    Butterfinger New Member

    Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something!



    When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.


    "Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this (pointing to the bowl)?"



    "Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know, I haven't had a cold all winter."
     
  10. Deadlock

    Deadlock Pacmonster

    What's pink and fluffy?

    Pink fluff.

    What's blue and fluffy?

    Pink fluff holding its breath.
     
    1 person likes this.
  11. Jmac

    Jmac New Member

    lol deadlock....

    that reminds me of this one....

    whats brown and sticky?
    a stick.
     
  12. Butterfinger

    Butterfinger New Member

    you guys would like this one... I think or at least home so :razz:


    Teacher's Pet
    On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.

    The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet it's some flowers!"

    "That's right!" shouted the little boy.

    Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said, "I bet I know what it is! It's a box of candy!"

    "That's right!" shouted the little girl.

    The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.

    "Is it wine?" she asked.

    "No," the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.

    "Is it champagne?" she asked.

    "No," the boy answered.

    "What is it?" she said.

    "A puppy!"
     
  13. db1986

    db1986 Super Moderator

    What do you call a deer with no eyes?

    |No idea.|

    What do you call a dead deer with no eyes?

    |Still no idea.|
     
  14. Butterfinger

    Butterfinger New Member

    THE PICTURE ON THE NIGHTSTAND
    After a long night of making love, he notices a photo
    of another man on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.
    "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
    "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
    "Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
    "No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
    "Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
    "No, no, no!!!" she answers.
    "Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
    "That's me before the surgery
     
  15. Sorsie

    Sorsie New Member

    I'm liking your jokes Butterfinger :)

    -digs out a nerdy one-

    What do you call a mathematician drumming on a tree?
    Logarithms

    Oh and One day a man wandered into a dentists surgery and said:
    Dr, Dr, I feel like a moth.
    The dentist replied, well why did you come here? I'm a dentist.
    And the man replied, "Because the light was on."
     
  16. Fox

    Fox Pumpkin

    Haha, the second one of those made me laugh.

    Umm, I will try to think of one...

    Oh, there was a tap on my bedroom door when I woke up this morning.
    I really ought to fire that plumber.
     
    1 person likes this.
  17. Butterfinger

    Butterfinger New Member

    Thank you sorsie. All of mine came from friends long ago that i've kept in my e-mail. Time for another one now. LOL

    Just Fred...

    A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. He asks the man his name.

    "Fred," he replies.

    "Fred what?" the officer asks.

    "Just Fred," the man responds.

    The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

    The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

    The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

    The man replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me."

    "I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself, studied hard, and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.

    After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.

    Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD. So now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD.

    Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.

    Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD with VD.

    Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD
    leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.

    Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am just Fred."

    The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
     
    1 person likes this.
  18. 830

    830 Member

    I really didn’t have a good day today.
    I was jogging around my local park when two men holding different bottles of liquid came up to me.
    One of them threw sodium hydroxide and another threw hydrochloric acid.
    I just didn’t know how to react to that.
     
    Last edited: Apr 28, 2011
    2 people like this.
  19. SoulAngel

    SoulAngel Active Member

    Groooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnn
     
  20. Ouch!

    Ouch! Banned

    +1 That's almost awful and not punny!
     

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