Joke of the Day

Discussion in 'Humour and Debate' started by gracie, Feb 28, 2007.

  1. popups

    popups New Member

    Haha! That is a very good joke, *AJ*

    I have a rubbish one off ages ago.

    Al-gebra
    NEW YORK - A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.
    At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement.
    He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a problem for us", the Attorney General said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values."
    They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.
    As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.
    When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes."
    White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.
     
  2. Tigeress

    Tigeress Forum Feline

    2 snowman in a field.

    One says to the other...can you smell carrots??

    :razz:
     
  3. TempusFugit

    TempusFugit <i>Forum Clock</i>

    lol.... and then the other one said...

    "No... but I can smell coal"

    *groan* :razz:
     
  4. Deadlock

    Deadlock Pacmonster

    Be careful guys…


    A 'heads up' warning for all men who may be regular B&Q Warehouse customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

    Here's how the scam works: Two very hot 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windolene. With their hot looking T-shirts, it is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another B&Q Warehouse. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

    I had my wallet stolen on July 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also August 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, & three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.


    So tell your friends to be careful.


    P.S. In Superbuys you can buy wallets for 50p each
     
  5. Fox

    Fox Pumpkin

    Haha at all of that. :biggrin:

    A limbo dancer walks into a bar. He comes last.
     
  6. Chris_uk

    Chris_uk New Member

    A woman goes to a fortune teller...

    Fortune teller: What would you like me to tell you about?

    Woman: My love life, please.

    Fortune teller: As you wish.

    The fortune teller waves his arms around his crystal ball for a few seconds...

    Fortune teller: I'm sensing that you are single, yes?

    Woman: Yes, how did you know?

    Fortune teller: Because you're ♥♥♥♥ing ugly.
     
  7. db1986

    db1986 Super Moderator

    How do you keep someone in suspense?
     
  8. popups

    popups New Member

    I'll tell you tomorrow. ;)
     
  9. db1986

    db1986 Super Moderator

    Awww, you stole my punchline, I was gonna wait a couple more days :sad::twisted:

    A blonde and a brunette jump off a cliff.

    Which of them reaches the ground first?

    The brunette. The blonde has to ask for directions.
     
    Last edited: Nov 7, 2008
  10. Saffron

    Saffron Forum Spice

  11. Danfish

    Danfish New Member

    One of two really longs ones that I know/love.

    Once, there was a red knight on a blue horse. He wanted to marry the king’s daughter and decided to go to the castle and ask the king himself. So he rides to the castle and arrives at the first guard. “Hello, I’m the red knight on the blue horse”, he says. “Who? The red knight on the blue horse?”, the guard asks. “Yes, the red knight on the blue horse.” “Ooh, the red knight on the blue horse! Come on in!” So he rides further to the castle and arrives at a second guard. The same thing happens. “Hello, I’m the red knight on the blue horse.” “Who? The red knight on the blue horse?” “Yes, the red knight on the blue horse.” “Ooh, the red knight on the blue horse! Come on in!” And along he goes, to the third and last guard. “Hello, I’m the red knight on the blue horse.” “Who? The red knight on the blue horse?” “Yes, the red knight on the blue horse.” “Ooh, the red knight on the blue horse! Come on in!” So he finally enters the castle and goes to the king.

    He tells him he is in love with his daughter and wants to marry her. The king tells him he may, IF he kills the 7-headed dragon that rules the woods surrounding the castle. The knight thinks this is a fair thing to ask and tells the king he’ll be back soon to marry the princess. He leaves the castle and arrives, again, at the third guard. “Hello, I’m the red knight on the blue horse.” “Who? The red knight on the blue horse?” “Yes, the red knight on the blue horse.” “Ooh, the red knight on the blue horse! Have a good day sir.” A little further, he arrives at the second guard. “Hello, I’m the red knight on the blue horse.” “Who? The red knight on the blue horse?” “Yes, the red knight on the blue horse.” “Ooh, the red knight on the blue horse! Have a good day sir.” And finally, he arrives at the first guard guiding the castle. “Hello, I’m the red knight on the blue horse.” “Who? The red knight on the blue horse?” “Yes, the red knight on the blue horse.” “Ooh, the red knight on the blue horse! Have a good day sir.” And on his way he goes, into the forest.

    After a small search he finds the dragon, moves closer and approaches the first head. “Hello, I’m the red knight on the blue horse.” “Who? The red knight on the blue horse?” “Yes, the red knight on the blue horse.” “Ooh, the red knight on the blue horse!” And with one mighty swing of his sword the knight slices off the first head: *SLASH* On to the second head. “Hello, I’m the red knight on the blue horse.” “Who? The red knight on the blue horse?” “Yes, the red knight on the blue horse.” “Ooh, the red knight on the blue horse!” *SLASH* Moving to the third head. “Hello, I’m the red knight on the blue horse.” “Who? The red knight on the blue horse?” “Yes, the red knight on the blue horse.” “Ooh, the red knight on the blue horse!” *SLASH* And of coarse the fourth head is next. “Hello, I’m the red knight on the blue horse.” “Who? The red knight on the blue horse?” “Yes, the red knight on the blue horse.” “Ooh, the red knight on the blue horse!” *SLASH* The knight moves to the fifth head and the same thing happens. “Hello, I’m the red knight on the blue horse.” “Who? The red knight on the blue horse?” “Yes, the red knight on the blue horse.” “Ooh, the red knight on the blue horse!” *SLASH* Next is the sixth head. “Hello, I’m the red knight on the blue horse.” “Who? The red knight on the blue horse?” “Yes, the red knight on the blue horse.” “Ooh, the red knight on the blue horse!” *SLASH* And finally, he arrives at the seventh head of the dragon. “Hello, I’m the red knight on the blue horse.” “Who? The red knight on the blue horse?” “Yes, the red knight on the blue horse.” “Ooh, the red knight on the blue horse!” *SLASH* So he killed the dragon and after piercing its heart, just to make sure, he makes his way back to the castle and arrives at the first guard.

    “Hello, I’m the red knight on the blue horse.” “Who? The red knight on the blue horse?” “Yes, the red knight on the blue horse.” “Ooh, the red knight on the blue horse! Come on in!” Along he goes, to the second guard. “Hello, I’m the red knight on the blue horse.” “Who? The red knight on the blue horse?” “Yes, the red knight on the blue horse.” “Ooh, the red knight on the blue horse! Come on in!” And finally he arrives at the third guard. “Hello, I’m the red knight on the blue horse.” “Who? The red knight on the blue horse?” “Yes, the red knight on the blue horse.” “Ooh, the red knight on the blue horse! Come on in!” Now he enters the castle and prepares to face the princess he now can marry. He goes to the king and tells him that he has killed the 7-headed dragon and is ready to meet the princess. This is what the king said next: “I thank you from the bottom of my heart, and that of all my people, for killing the dragon. No other knight has succeeded before and now we are finally free of all the fear it caused. But I must tell you, I do not have any daughters.”
     
  12. db1986

    db1986 Super Moderator

    I've just bought a Scouse advent calendar. Typical isn't it...
    [spoil]all the windows are all boarded up, and some b♥st♥♥ds have nicked the chocolates :p[/spoil]
     
  13. Danfish

    Danfish New Member

    What do you call a slippery baby?
    A midwife crisis.

    It's hard to believe that Amy Winehouse self-harms. She's so irritating she must be able to find someone to do it for her.

    What do soldiers eat before they go on parade?
    Marching hors d'oeuvres.
     
  14. Deadlock

    Deadlock Pacmonster

    My mate Sid has just been a victim of ID theft.

    Terrible news.

    Now we have to call him S.
     
  15. db1986

    db1986 Super Moderator

    How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
    [spoil]From a catalogue :p[/spoil]
     
  16. ProofReader

    ProofReader New Member

    The world's strangest laws

    25. It is illegal for a cab in the City of London to carry rabid dogs or corpses.

    24. It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament.

    23. It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British monarch upside down.

    22. In France, it is forbidden to call a pig Napoleon.

    21. Under the UK’s Tax Avoidance Schemes Regulations 2006, it is illegal not to tell the taxman anything you don’t want him to know, though you don’t have to tell him anything you don’t mind him knowing.

    20. In Alabama, it is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while driving a vehicle.

    19. In Ohio, it is against state law to get a fish drunk.

    18. Royal Navy ships that enter the Port of London must provide a barrel of rum to the Constable of the Tower of London.

    17. In the UK, a pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants – even, if she so requests, in a policeman’s helmet.

    16. In Lancashire, no person is permitted after being asked to stop by a constable on the seashore to incite a dog to bark.

    15. In Miami, Florida, it is illegal to skateboard in a police station.

    14. In Indonesia, the penalty for masturbation is decapitation.

    13. In England, all men over the age of 14 must carry out two hours of longbow practice a day.

    12. In London, Freemen are allowed to take a flock of sheep across London Bridge without being charged a toll; they are also allowed to drive geese down Cheapside.

    11. In San Salvador, drunk drivers can be punished by death before a firing squad.

    10. In the UK, a man who feels compelled to urinate in public can do so only if he aims for his rear wheel and keeps his right hand on his vehicle.

    9. In Florida, unmarried women who parachute on Sundays can be jailed.

    8. In Kentucky, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon more than six-feet long.

    7. In Chester, Welshmen are banned from entering the city before sunrise and from staying after sunset.

    6. In the city of York, it is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow.

    5. In Boulder, Colorado, it is illegal to kill a bird within the city limits and also to “own” a pet – the town’s citizens, legally speaking, are merely “pet minders”.

    4. In Vermont, women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.

    3. In London, it is illegal to flag down a taxi if you have the plague.

    2. In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s genitals but is forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination; he may only see their reflection in a mirror.

    1. The head of any dead whale found on the British coast is legally the property of the King; the tail, on the other hand, belongs to the Queen - in case she needs the bones for her corset.


     
  17. Fox

    Fox Pumpkin

    Hmm, this isn't really a joke but it made me laugh a little bit whilst I was looking at the different things in the Control Panel, and I wanted to put it somewhere.

    [​IMG]

    So I'm half-way to iSketch Forum Nirvana, yes? :) hehe.
    * Fox meditates.
     
    Last edited: Jan 26, 2009
  18. Saffron

    Saffron Forum Spice

    LOL, Pumpkin ;)

    Some definitions

    Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the winners:

    1. *Cashtration *(n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

    2. *Ignoranus *: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

    3. *Intaxicaton *: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with.

    4. *Reintarnation *: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

    5. *Bozone *( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

    6 .* Foreploy* : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

    7. *Giraffiti *: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

    8. *Sarchasm *: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

    9. *Inoculatte* : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

    10. *Osteopornosis *: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

    11. *Karmageddon *: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

    12. *Decafalon *(n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

    13. *Glibido *: All talk and no action.

    14. *Dopeler Effect* : The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

    15. *A rachnoleptic Fit* (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

    16. *Beelzebug *(n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

    17. *Caterpallor* ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
     
  19. Fox

    Fox Pumpkin

    Haha, numbers 1, 4 and 7 made me laugh. hehe. They're all good though.

    Oh, I ought to do a joke, I'd imagine...
    How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
    One, but it has to want to change.
     
  20. *AJ*

    *AJ* New Member

    I laughed so much this picture made me cry:

    [​IMG]

    Kinda bad but funny, imo:

    [​IMG]
     

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